The tricky part is that defensiveness rarely feels like defensiveness in the moment. Instead, it feels like self-protection or setting the record straight. Lerner describes it as that immediate, knee-jerk “but—but—but” response that kicks in the moment someone criticizes us. When we’re in defense mode, she says, we automatically scan the other person’s words for inaccuracies, exaggerations, and distortions—not to understand them, but to build our rebuttal. “We listen for the errors so we can refute them, make our case, and remind the other party of their wrongdoings,” she says.
As defensiveness rises, Lerner adds, we’re also more likely to reach for what she calls below-the-belt tactics: lecturing, diagnosing, preaching, shaming, blaming, name-calling, stonewalling—all of which escalate conflict rather than resolve it.
The first step is simply to name what’s happening: to notice when your nervous system has shifted into that tense, on-guard state where real listening becomes impossible. From there, the goal isn’t to suppress your defense entirely, Lerner says—it’s to set it aside long enough to actually hear what the other person needs you to understand. And when you do, don’t underestimate the power of a genuine apology. “You can apologize for the part you can agree with, even if it’s only 2%,” she says. Failing to take any accountability, Lerner notes, is itself a form of escalation. You can always make your case after. “If only our wish to understand the other person were as great as our wish to be understood,” she says.
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