The Most Toxic Communication Habit on Love Island Season 7

No more shrieking after receiving a text, no more bombshells, no more dramatic firepit gatherings: Love Island USA’s scandal-laden seventh season has concluded after crowning fan-favorite “Amaya Papaya” and her beau Bryan as this year’s winners.

For six weeks, the show gave millions of people something to talk about—including how the islanders talked to each other. Forget mindless summer entertainment: It was a lesson in how (not) to communicate.

We pulled a few experts for a chat and asked which communication habits they would vote off the island—and why.

Reflexive defensiveness

Saba Harouni Lurie, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, felt “very angsty” throughout much of Season 7. In part, that was because of all the drama triggered by the way the islanders communicated. “You see so much good in all of them, and so much potential, and you want them to find what they’re looking for,” she says. “It’s so painful when they aren’t able to have the conversations they might need to deepen a relationship or recover from some kind of rupture.”

The worst communication habit Lurie observed is reflexive defensiveness: an immediate, habitual tendency to become defensive at the slightest hint of criticism, even when the other person’s feedback is valid. It can manifest as a tendency to deny any wrongdoing or responsibility, shift blame, minimize an action’s impact, or simply retreat. This knee-jerk reaction was a recurring theme throughout the season between couples and friends, Lurie points out, including Huda and Jeremiah, Chelley and Ace, Amaya and Zak, and Ace and Austin, among others. “People got defensive very quickly when they were called into a conversation or got any kind of feedback,” she says. “Their immediate impulse was to protect themselves and defend themselves.”

Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner

Defensiveness shuts conversations down, inhibits curiosity and reconnection, and escalates friction, Lurie says. It leaves little room for understanding or repair—and gets in the way of the open, honest communication a relationship needs to thrive. “It can make it really hard to connect or reconnect when someone’s really defensive,” she says. “It creates distance and leads to more conflict, not resolution.”

Why does it happen? 

We all want to see ourselves in a positive light, Lurie says, and it’s painful to hear that people are disappointed in or frustrated with us. Even when someone is thoughtful about how they communicate negative feedback, it can trigger a defense mechanism. If you suspect you have a tendency toward reflexive defensiveness, spend some time reflecting, Lurie suggests: journal about distressing interactions, trying to adopt the other person’s perspective, and ask someone you’re close to if there have been times when they noticed you were quick to become defensive.

Then, make it a point to slow down during difficult conversations. Instead of saying something you’ll regret or storming off—leaving a trail of profanities in your wake, a la Huda—tell your partner that you hear them, but that you need some time before responding.

If you’re on the receiving end of a defensive attack, meanwhile, calmly suggest taking a breather, Lurie advises: “Can we take a break? This doesn’t seem to be productive. Let’s take some space and talk about it later.”

Toxic interruptions

The communication habit that irked Joy Parrish the most this season was the islanders’ tendency to talk over one another—sometimes belligerently and at especially ill-timed moments. For example: interrupting apologies. Who could forget the time Huda tried to apologize to Chelley after taking things a step too far in the heart rate challenge? Chelley cut her off mid‑sentence, telling her to “save it,” which prevented closure and heightened the tension whipping around the island.

“What is that going to do for the two of them moving forward if you’re setting an example of, when I try to apologize to you, I’m going to get cut off?” says Parrish, a therapist and senior therapy manager at Headspace. It creates a harmful precedent: “‘Well, I’m just not going to even try anymore.’”

Read More: The Best Way to Interrupt Someone

Many of the islanders also cut each other off during moments of vulnerability. During the “Stand on Business” challenge, for instance, when Amaya got emotional after reading harsh feedback about herself, several islanders raised their voices, interrupting her attempts to explain herself. Similarly, when Chris opened up to Huda about his issues with their lack of PDA, she immediately cut in—and, as a result, he never felt heard. “She had this hot-potato situation where she didn’t like his upset feelings, and so she was trying to fix it right away,” Parrish says. “What she should have done is sit with that discomfort.”

Instead, the conversation became a battle of who could talk louder and faster. “You could see Chris start to shut down because there wasn’t room for his feelings at that moment,” Parrish says. “That’s what makes cutting someone off so harmful: It doesn’t just interrupt the sentence. It interrupts the emotional safety of the relationship.” Communicating in this way sends a clear message, she adds: “What you have to say isn’t as important as what I have to say.”

Interruptions come up frequently in couples’ therapy. Sometimes, they’re such a problem that Parrish hands out talking sticks: You’re not allowed to speak unless you’re holding the stick. Not everyone needs it, but some couples simply can’t otherwise refrain from interrupting each other.

Read More: 8 Ways to Respond When Someone Interrupts You

If you’re prone to interjecting at inopportune moments, Parrish recommends training yourself to count to two before responding. Then reflect back on what you heard: Saying something like “It sounds like you feel…” will show the other person you’re listening. It’s also a good idea to ask gentle clarifying questions. Rather than cutting your partner off, ask them: “Can you say more about that?”